Managing insecurity, one action at a time
A bloody nose. A typical school day. My “new kid” appeal hadn’t faded yet and neither had my accent. Born in London, England, my family immigrated to Toronto, Canada the year before and right after my 6th birthday. In the early 1970s, Toronto’s multiculturalism did not exist yet. My voice, my frizzy hair and chubby physique painted a bullseye on my forehead. On this particular day, I was marked by the humidity, inflating my curls into a jab-worthy mess.
Andrea (not her real name) was the lead bully, and would regularly push, punch and pinch me whenever the mood struck her. She would enlist the rest of the Grade 2 army to hurl insults. Worse though, was Andrea catching me alone in the school bathroom to endure multiple pinching and taunting.
I never reported Andrea or any of the other incidents. I never told my parents. As new immigrants, I decided that they had enough on their plates. Had I known the future impact of maintaining the silence, my decisions may have been different. Fortunately, my childhood home was a safe and happy place where I could shed my school day and lose myself in books about faraway places with princes on white horses.
I spent the rest of my primary school years nourishing the seeds of my insecurity. I learned to extinguish my British accent. I learned how to straighten my hair each morning after my parents left for work. This was a daunting process, involving a clothing iron, a blow dryer and six empty soup cans. Good fortune struck when a new television show called Charlie’s Angels dominated the ratings and Farrah Fawcett, with her signature hairstyle, released me from my daily strand-taming ritual.
Enough Patches to Make a Quilt
I escaped Andrea and my other tormentors when my family moved away a few years later. But, by the time we moved, the effects were already part of my fabric and travelled with me to our new home. You see, I had already manufactured my own Frankenstein (thanks Mary Shelley), stitching the past events together and upcycling them to create a quilted ally. This ally would serve as my trusted companion and chauffeur: Insecurity.
My creation wrapped itself around every aspect of my life. I learned to choose safety and the path of least resistance every time. I learned to melt into the crowd. My internalized bully was remarkably reliable. Whenever I faced rejection, I could count on Insecurity to support the result by reminding me that I wasn’t good enough anyway.
The Seeds You Water Will Grow
As a child, I wasn’t able to see my options for managing my situation and this didn’t change in my early adulthood. Looking back to my early twenties, I could have chosen to put energy into nourishing my self-esteem. I could have sought counselling. I could have searched for ways to heal. I could have declared the unacceptable. For the first four decades of my life, I watered the seeds that allowed me to sprout in the crop field with everyone else. I didn’t realize that life had other farms and different crops!
One great example of the power of choices is Paul Nadeau, author of the book Take Control of Your Life, an impressive example of declaring the unacceptable, despite the environment of his childhood. He describes suffering at the hands of his abusive father and then employing that trauma to choose a different path. He decided at a young age what he wanted to be when he grew up: a police officer so that he could arrest people like his father. Paul went on to dedicate his life to serve and protect others and became a decorated police detective, hostage negotiator and international peacekeeper, and continues his service by inspiring others as an author and a sought after motivational speaker.
Consciously Uncoupling
In 2007, I was about to turn the Big Four-Oh, become a divorce statistic, and change careers all within weeks. As my big milestones approached, I chose to seek counselling for the first time in my life.
Part of the therapy involved evaluating my life. My evaluation confirmed that I had done “meh” really well and earned a PhD in Mediocrity. I began asking myself some typical mid-life questions: Would anyone (other than my family) miss me if I was gone? What would I be remembered for?
I arrived at the question: Who had written my life’s first chapter? Have you ever wondered this? I suddenly realized that it was I who held the pen. That and my Frankenstein was the editor. I needed to consciously uncouple from this as well. This term was created by Kathryn Woodward Thomas, a marriage therapist and refers to a process which strives for an amicable divorce. I didn’t want to live another 40 years of humdrum. I reasoned that if I could leave my marriage and my career, then I could uncouple from insecurity as well. I sought comfort in this logic.
You’re Fired!
I committed to writing my life’s Chapter 2 without my internal editor and began to regularly call Insecurity into the arena to fight for the pen. Whenever she announced “You can’t do that!”, I would joust with “Watch me”. We tangled and sometimes Insecurity won. But, not every time. The more I challenged her, the weaker she became. It felt so good to rebel. Eventually, I fired my internal editor.
And Now, the Bricks!
There were many more defining moments where I banished my bully and pressed on. The decisions made during those times accelerated my personal and professional successes beyond anything resembling a vanilla existence. Each small step I took was a brick that paved the road to self-confidence. What follows is a description of those bricks.
Self-Confidence is a Skill
“The expert at anything was once a beginner.”
— Helen Hayes
Confidence is a skill and that means it can be learned and mastered. As my confidence seedlings began to sprout, so did my desire to stop hiding in the crowd. Others around me began taking notice. Colleagues approached me to ask for coaching and I wanted to help. So, I reverse-engineered what I had practiced and began to share it with others.
1. Test your rejection resilience — Canadian Jason Comely created a self-help game called Rejection Therapy to take the sting out of being rejected through controlled exposure. Take tiny steps to confirm that you can withstand rejection. The object is to be rejected by at least one person a day. This can include things like asking someone if you can cut in line in front of them, buying a lottery ticket, asking for discounts at the grocery store, and any other small ways to ensure you get a rejection. Over time, this gives you a proven track record of overcoming rejection!
2. Be your own cheerleader — Remind yourself daily that you are enough. Set a reminder in your phone to read the words “I AM ENOUGH”. Celebrate all of your accomplishments, even the small ones.
3. Watch for your Frankenstein — Be vigilant for insecure thoughts. Make an effort to notice your thoughts and evaluate them as either helpful or not helpful. If they are not helpful, imagine closing a door on them.
4. Do something for someone else — This can help you to be more confident in your abilities. It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. Call a friend that is struggling and check in on them. Offer to shovel your neighbour’s driveway. Helping others activates the reward centres in our brain and shows us that we can positively impact someone else’s life.
5. Take a small step toward one of your goals — Each accomplishment will not only get you closer to your goals, but it will also feed your self-esteem by acting as evidence that you are good enough.
6. Treat your internal bully like a toddler — This one is fun! Visualize your Frankenstein as if they are a small child. Then, imagine putting them in a Time-Out chair. Ask them to sit quietly and wait for you while you do the thing you are anxious and insecure about. This helped me when I first started public speaking.
7. Find mentors — If your internal bully is your anti-mentor, then find others who can mentor you. They can help you boost your confidence in your abilities by providing feedback and helping you grow. Approach people online and cultivate a relationship. The worst that can happen is that they ignore you or say no. More Rejection therapy!
“Although our fears and limiting beliefs won’t completely disappear, over time they lose their power over our daily thoughts and actions.” Bonnie Marcus, Forbes
Final Thoughts
Just like any skill, your self-confidence is built through practice. Think of it as a muscle-building exercise. Each small step you take will lead you to take bigger steps later. How many reps do you need? As many as it takes!
My insecurities still get triggered from time to time, but that once-reliable voice no longer drives my decisions nor edits my story.
If your internal bully fights for your mind’s steering wheel, tell them to go hang out with mine. There are enough Time-Out chairs for all of them.
Keep going.
💙
(originally published by The Innovation in Medium.com)